Today we’d like to introduce you to Lisa McBee.
Lisa, let’s start with your story. We’d love to hear how you got started and how the journey has been so far.
My Journey Through Grief
Just today, exactly three years since my husband, Eric, passed away, God showed me something so revealing about my grief journey. Everyone grieves the loss of a loved one in different ways. Each person has their own journey. My trek through grief has been quite challenging as I had completely checked out of the grieving process, which has detrimentally impacted my health and well-being. I am hoping that by sharing my specific journey will help others who have had grieved a loved one under similar experiences.
I CONFESS that I have been too angry to grieve and process the death of my husband, Eric, just three years ago on November 23, 2016 — angry with both my husband and God. Even as I went to grief counseling, sought therapy and engaged a life coach, I could not bring myself to work through my feelings or even my memories of Eric. The most I could do with my feelings was to curse and express incensed wrath. Yes, I have been stuck for three long, dark years —- suppressing and concealing my real memories of Eric deep within the pit of my stomach, falsely presenting myself to those around me as steady, capable and secure.
I have not been able to even watch the “commemorative video” that I created from our numerous experiences over eight years—- I had made this video for Eric’s funeral, while in a fog the very week my husband passed.
Today, God prompted me to watch this video for the first time since those cloudy, blurred days. He showed me and reminded me of the REAL Eric, the one I loved and adored. He reminded me of Eric’s love and zest for life and others! And, I can say that what Eric left me and our families, including our children & grandchildren, was a beautiful LEGACY of so many memorable and treasured experiences. Eric was vibrant, loving and served others on a daily basis. My resentment and anger have disappeared today.
Yes, three years ago today, my world came crashing down upon me. The gloom and black of the world I have experienced these last years had completely dissolved the prior sunshine and merriment I once felt in my life prior to his loss. I could find no relief or alleviation of the deep despair and grief since that black day of distinctive, personal infamy —- November 23, 2016 —- which was the date of Eric’s birthday which was also, so very bizarrely, the day of his death.
Prior to that day, my life was rather wonderful, although scattered with earthly adversities here and there. I had a wonderful husband, my Eric, who encouraged, inspired, supported and completely loved me. I had no doubts about his deep love and respect for me. He not only told me every day how much he loved me, but he also showed me in many numerous ways. He pampered me, gifted me the beautiful flowers/jewelry, lovely notes, and huge cuddles, made certain I was always safe, happy and secure — He always wanted me to have anything I so desired. He was truly my knight in shining armor — my protector, my most ardent defender and my very best friend.
Eric and I also had a family that permeated and surrounded us with love and expectation. We had parents who provided us with unconditional love and acceptance, even though we had both made some mistakes in our lives. We had children who looked up to us and came to us without fear when they needed assistance or respite from their own constructed yet defective choices. We had treasured grandchildren who loved us with all of their precious hearts. My husband, Eric, endeared himself to our little loves as the most dear and protective “Papa” any grandchild could ever long for or desire. Indeed, my Eric was a giant not only to our children, our grandchildren and our parents but also to me, his beloved wife and soulmate.
You see, Eric had told me on many occasions that he had made a promise to God that should He place before him a godly woman, that he would spend his life demonstrating in so many different ways how much he loved, revered, honored and adored her. And he did exactly that — AND yet, I had repressed these facts about Eric!!!! —- He showed me and all who loved him every single day just how much he cared for and adored us —– until his disease of addiction resurfaced for the first time in our marriage on July 4, 2016, after 13 years of sobriety.
Eric joined the Army at age 18 and later served our country in Iraq and Kuwait during the First Persian Gulf War. While he was very proud of his service to the country he loved, Eric had a difficult time readjusting to life after the horrendous experiences he had during the war.
While Eric rarely spoke of those experiences, I once found an envelope full of polaroid photos in a box in his closet — photos of the infamous “Highway of Death,” the road that had been used by Iraqi armored divisions for the 1990 invasion of Kuwait. The very graphic photos depicted everything and everyone in its devastating path. I am not sure even why he had taken or even kept those photos — yet, finding them revealed to me just what kind of terror he had experienced during the war. I never asked him about those horrific photos — I just put them back in his chosen place. Following his death, when I was packing everything up to move to my native state of Texas to be near my mother and siblings, I could not find those photos. I assume he had finally decided to shut that chapter from his life and had thrown them away, but I will never really know.
Eric was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety and a whole host of mental issues following the war. When he returned home, his drinking only worsened as he sought to self-medicate —- and then turned into drug use, although I had not met him yet and never knew him during this period of his horrific life.
During those horrendous and dark years of his life, living in the midst of his addiction, Eric suffered and could find no peace or comfort of any kind. In fact, neither in-house treatment nor out-patient treatment could prevent his self-destruction. The love and adoration from his parents, siblings and even his children could not prevent his downward spiral. Jail and prison time could not even stop him from relapsing in those days.
It was finally his last stint in prison when he spent seven straight years —-under the auspices of ‘3 strikes, you are out’ laws in existence at that time —- that Eric rediscovered God and forged a strong and intimate relationship with his Lord and Savior. Eric recounted to me that there had been a very scary prison riot at the old maximum-security prison in Jefferson City where fires were blazing everywhere, and people were being beaten and hurt. At that moment, with all clarity, it dawned on Eric that he could die in prison, that this “might be it” for him, that he might never make it back out of that hellhole. Eric determined then and there that he would set things right with God, beseeching Him to have mercy upon him and give him the chance to make everything right in his life.
And, from that moment sometime in 2003, Eric did just that. He no longer had any even the slightest desire to use alcohol or illicit substances. God had liberated him and with his new freedom, becoming involved with the prison’s Intensive Therapeutic Community, quickly moving through the ranks and becoming a dynamic, renowned and beloved facilitator. He was released from prison in June 2008, just two months prior to the date we first met that fateful, Fall day.
Eric had helped countless addicts and alcoholics since that time, facilitating Celebrate Recovery classes and meeting anyone and everyone who needed his guidance and assistance. But during the last six months of his life, Eric abandoned his diligent dedication to as he wore himself down, working long, arduous hours and trying to manage stressful situations both at home and at work. Eric stopped working his program, the one he insisted was critical to his sobriety. He was so very drained and strained. Yet, looking back, I didn’t worry at that time as I had always known Eric as valiantly STRONG and undefeatable.
Yes, the man I knew and met and married on April 8, 2009, my Eric, the REAL Eric, was stronger and more dynamic and charming than any man I had ever known (equal to the awesomeness of my dad). I could hardly believe he could be the same person he had told me about during his prior years of addiction — or the suffering person his parents or daughter had told me about. Eric had always been protective, confident and loving, just like my precious Dad, who sadly, died just six months after Eric. I had trusted and loved Eric with all my heart and soul.
As a person chosen by God and an ardent follower of Christ, Eric had always assured me that should he ever revert to disobedience in his relationship with God, that God would either discipline him or, in his words, ‘take him home.’ Following his relapse in July, Eric struggled and valiantly fought his battle with himself —- but it was not enough “on his own.”
At that time, while his family and I appealed to him to seek treatment and lean into God’s strength and mercy, Eric wondered out loud why God had given him his affliction. He refused treatment, saying we would “all would be better off without him,” and to “just let him go.” He had communicated his need for perceiving life as either ‘black’ or ‘white’ – there could be no ‘gray.’ He expressed to all who loved them that his rigid perception was necessary because should he regress to seeing ‘gray’ again and relapse into his addiction, he would surely die. Eric was not lying.
My husband Eric left me to go to a drug house on November 22, 2016. He had overdosed — and two police detectives met me in the driveway of my house to tell me and Eric’s parents, who lived with us in the same house, the dreadful, devastating news. Fortunately, God brought my parents to my home at that same time for Thanksgiving. I thank God my parents were present with me when the detectives informed me of Eric’s death.
Sadly, these last three years, my grief journey became impeded as I could only think of the last horrific 4 months of our lives when he and I were in the midst of struggling with his addiction. Rather than grieve the real Eric, the man who had showered me with love prior to his relapse, I assembled my memories of him to focus and converge on to the five different times Eric went missing on his binges — those harrowing times when I had ventured out to find him and bring him home. I had gone to some very menacing, scary places on the dark streets in Kansas City, Missouri. I knew all the old haunts of Eric’s former life as he had shown them to me on many occasions as we drove to his doctor’s appointments at the VA.
So, I went to those haunts in hopes of taking him to a treatment center or bringing him home, knocking and banging on the doors of a variety of drug hotel rooms, crack apartments and trap houses, knowing that I could very well be hurt or even killed. Quite predictably, none of the people answering those doors were very welcoming and some refused to open their doors as it was clear they were engaging in illicit, criminal activities. Indeed, I could plainly hear the hissing of more than one crack pipe as I stood outside each door. Yet, even as his parents and my son-in-law pleaded with me not to venture out to these dangerous areas, I felt that an angel was with me and would lead me to find Eric. AND, I had successfully found him 4 out of 5 times, which is quite literally like finding a needle in a haystack. God was surely with me.
Sadly, repressing the wonderful life I had before Eric’s relapse, totally discounting the love we shared and that I knew he had for me and our families, I could only remember these particularly nightmarish events — and held onto them like a rigid vise in my grieving mind these last three years.
Yes, I clutched and grasped those nightmarish events of the last four months of Eric’s life within the center of my mind, completely suppressing, discounting and disregarding the MANY beautiful times we had in our eight years together, those times that Eric had demonstrated and revealed his TRUE legacy to me and our families.
Thank you, God, for prompting me to finally watch his video, the one celebrating Eric’s life and legacy, allowing me to remember the REAL Eric, to know that he loved me, his children and our families and to know that YOU took him home to live in your mansion when he was too tired to fight this earthly battle anymore. Thank you for showing me a way out of my darkness. After three long and arduous years, I am hoping to finally have a good dream about Eric and the life we shared together…
Eric was a SERVANT, FUNNY, FUN, LOVING, SACRIFICING and GIVING and should always be remembered as such. He made such an impact on the lives of all who had the privilege of knowing him. Thank you, God, for bringing the REAL Eric, my Eric, back to me. I know he was so very tired of the battle and you lovingly took him home to end his suffering. I also know that I will see him again!!!
We’re always bombarded by how great it is to pursue your passion, etc. – but we’ve spoken with enough people to know that it’s not always easy. Overall, would you say things have been easy for you?
My journey has not been a smooth one. I was unable to forgive my husband during his addition. I was unable to forgive myself for not realizing he would be unable to overcome his demons this time. My advice to others experiencing a similar situation is to be easy on yourself, take care of yourself and love yourself while allowing yourself to confront the truth of the matter.
Please tell us more about your work, what you are currently focused on and most proud of.
I am an attorney working for the Law Office of Dana L. White, in Southlake, Texas. Having practiced in the field of immigration law for over 13 years, I am compassionate about social justice, fairness, and integrity. I have recently had the fortune of experiencing excellent opportunities for growth, expanding my practice into several new areas, including family law, estate planning, and business entity formation.
Admitted to the bar in Missouri and Texas, I am also a member of the American Immigration Lawyers’ Association (AILA), the TX chapter of AILA, the MO/KS chapter of AILA, Northeast Tarrant County Bar Association, and the American Bar Association (ABA).
In 2019, the 360 West Magazine awarded me as a “Top Attorney” in the field of immigration of the greater Tarrant County area as selected from a peer-based poll.
A native of Texas, I earned my Bachelor of Arts degree in History from the University of Kansas in 1991, following my family’s relocation to the state of Kansas. I relocated to Missouri where I received a Juris Doctorate Degree from the School of Law at the University of Missouri-Kansas City in 2006.
In 2017, following several decades away from my native state, I relocated back to my home of Texas. I was born in Tarrant County, Texas and grew up on the coastal canals and beaches of Corpus Christi, Texas.
I love living in Southlake and am actively engaged in my community and in international service projects, serving as a Board Member (Club Services) of the Southlake Rotary Club, Rotary International. I appreciate being a part of Rotary International, an organization whose motto is “service above self,” and whose pursuit of international harmony, kindness, peace and goodwill enhances unity and diversity within an often divisive world.
It would be great to hear about any apps, books, podcasts or other resources that you’ve used and would recommend to others.
The Holy Bible and the Bible app are wonderful resources for any grieving woman.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.danawhitefamilylaw.com/
- Phone: 817-917-8121
- Email: lisamcbee@rocketmail.com
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lisa.briedwell.mcbee
Image Credit:
Lisa McBee
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