Today we’d like to introduce you to John and LaNelia Ramette.
John and LaNelia, please share your story with us.
On June 12, 2010, my husband and I came home from breakfast with our daughter, when we found our son, Michael, dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound at the age of 20. We had no warning signs — our son was a caring person with a servant heart who reached out to friends who were struggling and always had a smile on his face — and were completely shocked at such a horrific turn of events. Over the coming days and months, we struggled to learn how to live without Michael in our lives. We went to family therapy, couple’s therapy, and attended a Touched by Suicide support group. We took advantage of any help we could find, and I believe that is what enabled us to begin to move forward.
People often use the words “recovering” or “healing” after the death of a loved one. I don’t believe you ever recover or heal, rather you learn how to manage life knowing you will never see your loved one again.
The year of firsts without our son was very difficult, but we learned that the anticipation of each holiday or birthday was much more difficult than the actual day. I would build up in my mind how difficult the day would be and this contemplation helped make the actual day more manageable. Our friends were present on our grief journey even when they had no answers. They called us, emailed us, and invited us to dinner and sporting events. This support helped us move forward in our grief. One of the biggest challenges we faced as survivors were the guilt that accompanied the grief — the feeling that we should have been able to prevent Michael’s death. The “what if” and “If only” questions consumed us for many months. We took many walks asking the same questions over and over, and at the end of each walk, we would also come to the same conclusion: that even if we could answer the questions, it was not going to bring our son back.
We attended a Touched by Suicide (TBS) Memorial Walk in November 2010 and that was a turning point for me as I decided I wanted to make a difference. I began volunteering at the TBS Walks because I wanted to help other families navigate their grief journeys.
This volunteering resulted in my joining the board in January 2013 for Touched by Suicide-North Texas. I also became the facilitator of the Flower Mound Touched by Suicide support group in the spring of 2013. The first thing I tell all survivors is what I wish someone had told me: that their loved one’s death isn’t their fault and that we only knew what our loved ones shared with us. Six years after Michael’s death, I discovered from his journals I had found in a move, that he was struggling and he had never let me know. So, how could I have prevented his death?
It has been become my mission as a facilitator, survivor and now Board President to reach as many survivors as we can so that families don’t ever have to take the grief journey alone.
To that end, I joined the Local Outreach for Survivors of Suicide (LOSS) team in January of 2016. The LOSS team is a non-profit organization that provides immediate on-scene support with the presence of a survivor and a mental health professional. We provide resources for the families and commit to staying engaged with the families for the entire first year.
We’re always bombarded by how great it is to pursue your passion, etc. – but we’ve spoken with enough people to know that it’s not always easy. Overall, would you say things have been easy for you?
It definitely has not been an easy path as a suicide loss survivor. The first three months after my son died, I was in a fog and was somewhat in denial. I remember waking up each morning hoping it was just a nightmare knowing it wasn’t. I had difficulty sleeping, had a very short attention span and struggled to stay focused at work. I hit my low point in late October where I could see I was using work to avoid grieving, so I decided to take a leave of absence from work the entire month of December. It was a difficult month because I didn’t have any distractions so I was forced to confront my grief. Although it was hard, it was the best thing I did for myself. I came back to work in January better able to focus. I felt hopeful for the first time since Michael died. Holidays and birthdays continued to be a struggle. My first Mother’s Day without Michael was extremely hard for me as I didn’t think I deserved to celebrate the day because I failed him as a mother. Intellectually I knew that I was a good mother but my heart told me otherwise.
As I moved into the second year without Michael, I think my heart fully accepted I was never going to see Michael again so it was a different kind of hard. I realized the milestones that I would continue to miss. He would never graduate from college, get married or have children. It was a hard pill to swallow.
But gradually over time, I learned to cherish the memories I have of Michael and they now help sustain me. I miss him every day but I’ve learned to live my life without him. I have hope and joy in my life again.
So let’s switch gears a bit and go into the Touched by Suicide-North Texas story. Tell us more about the business.
Touched by Suicide-North Texas’ mission is to provide free support groups for adults and teens who have lost a loved one to suicide. The support groups meet in Flower Mound, Denton, and Lewisville, and group members are encouraged to share their stories. Our ultimate goal for the support group is to instill hope that as a survivor you can move forward without your loved one, but you don’t have to do it alone.
Our partnership with the LOSS team sets us apart because we are able to offer an additional layer of support for the families impacted by suicide. We believe that “postvention” – providing active support to families after a suicide loss — with these families is prevention because survivors are at more risk for a subsequent suicide in the family. Our Touched By Suicide support groups are a natural extension of the LOSS Team. As a result of this close relationship, we have been able to help more families than we ever have in the past. It can take up to four and half years for a survivor to seek help but with the LOSS team model, the timeline has shortened to 39 days on average (Campbell, 2000).
Contact Info:
- Website: Touchedbysuicide.net
- Phone: 972-595-8124
- Email: tbs.ntx@gmail.com
Image Credit:
Tom Manchester, Corey Autry, Joe Ruddy
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